Survived Year 1

I feel the need to apologize for my lack of posting, but I'm really not sure what I would write about if I made this a weekly thing. Maybe I'll start up a new goal of trying to post once a month. Anyway, here's the latest scoop on the happenings in my life as a doctoral student.

I survived the first year of my coursework! This past semester has been rough. One class was really interesting and enjoyable, but the other two were a struggle to say the least. For both classes I just didn't have a clue how to make the professors happy. I met with one of them for almost every assignment over the course of the semester, and I still struggled to do anything he liked. My distaste for theory has definitely been confirmed, so I think I'll stick to theorizing pedagogy and teaching in my field without dabbling in any of that other theory. Perhaps the most important takeaway from the semester is that of gritting your teeth and just pushing through, which I think is something that I'll have to continue to do while earning my degree and maybe even beyond that.

In other news, I presented at a conference in March and have been applying to other conferences as well as trying to get something published (more news on that as I hear more). I wish I had more opportunity to enjoy the conference, but homework called to me (the conference was during midterms--yikes!). The conference actually took me just a few hours from home, and I was able to visit with friends I've been making in the field and even friends from my MA at a wedding. I'm hoping to get more out of conferences this year, but the cost to attend is pretty much killing me.

Speaking of cost, I just moved in with my boyfriend. He's in the program with me, and dating is actually very much something I resisted at first. I want the focus to be on my education and not have the stress of a relationship. So far it seems to be working fine and, getting to the cost point, I'm going to be saving $300+ a month on living expenses. That's pretty major when your income is like mine.

Also related to money, I don't have a summer job. I thought I could get something in on campus, but that fell through. I'm waiting to hear back from my second job tutoring to see if they could use me during the summer. Otherwise, I'm trying to do some freelance writing where I can. Soon I think I will have to resort to applying to anyplace that will take me during the summer months.

Overall, I think one of the most significant burdens from this whole experience is the financial burden. I'm already stressed about school and keeping up with that work, plus I'll begin teaching two classes in the fall so I'll be worried about my students, but I also have to worry about paying the bills. The easiest expense to reduce would be the cost of an apartment, but I don't really want to live in an unsafe, unclean place. The financial burden lends itself to holding another job, which increases the school-related stress. I just don't see a way out of the loop.

Enough of the downer stuff. I still believe I'm on the right path despite the stress along the way. I find the reading, researching, and writing to be really rewarding. Then next semester I'll be able to influence my own students and hopefully encourage their own development. I've already begun planning for the course, and I'm really excited to see where that goes.

But, if anyone has any bright ideas in regards to my financial situation, I'm all ears!

Grades that you lose sleep over

Grades are an interesting part of coursework. They're used to "evaluate" how effectively a student demonstrates learning, and each professor develops their own verbage to talk about what "counts" as an A or what "counts" as a B. Example:

• "A work is excellent and goes beyond what is required in terms of thinking and insight into the material."
• "B is an honor grade, awarded for work that is thoughtful and well-written, and demonstrates a good understanding of the material."

So what's the point of this? I got a B on my first writing assignment this semester. Graduate students are particularly funny about receiving grades. Somehow a B, that is supposedly an honor grade, makes my heart sink (and I know it has done the same to other grad students, too). What did I do wrong and how can I do better next time? Well, the written comments say I didn't "engage" with the reading enough. While completing this assignment, I was concerned that I wasn't including enough content from the readings, but this particular prompt asked us to really consider our audience (which was assigned to us as incoming graduate students) and I justified the amount of the course readings I included in those terms. Apparently my professor thinks I "dumbed the subject down" too much. That's my interpretation of his comments, by the way.

All in all, I'm discovering that the hardest graders are the ones not in the graduate program I'm enrolled in. In order to teach next semester, I've been required to take two courses outside of the regular coursework I'm doing. Although I'm familiar with the discipline these two other courses are in, the fact that I struggle the most in pleasing these professors is disconcerting to me. Ultimately, I'd like to earn a position at a university to work in this discipline, and here I am earning a B.

Luckily, I have a whole semester ahead of me to try to figure this professor out, but it's become evident that it won't be easy going. Maybe this will be the class I take the most out of simply because of how much it will evidently challenge me. (Although, I have earned any grades in one of my other courses yet. Maybe that one will end up being the toughest of them all).

Confident or Overconfident?

Been a long time, too long perhaps, but I survived my first semester as a Ph.D. student and am entering into my second. Lately, the idea of "success" as a student and in the academic career that will (hopefully) follow has been weighing heavily on my mind. It just so happens to be aligned nicely (or perhaps frightfully) with an article in The Chronicle of Higher Education on job prospects for Ph.D.s (The Odds Are Never In Your Favor). 

For the most part, since I've decided to go down the path of pursuing a Ph.D. I've been confident that I would succeed. This may be in part due to the professors in my master's program encouraging me down this path, suggesting that I would be brilliant and fully capable of success, but it's also knowing that I've made it this far already. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty aspects of this road I'm travelling that frighten me. Comprehensive exams, getting published, dissertation, finding funding for travel to conferences, entering the job market and totally relocating yet again. Despite all of that, I still think of it as taking just one step at a time and that it is all conquerable. However, is that outlook detrimental?

I'm not naive enough to think that I won't question it or that I won't want to give up, but maybe this confidence I have can do more harm than good. Maybe when it comes time for me to face this giant hurdles I will not face them with the caution that I should, and I will find myself pushed to the brink wondering what will happen to me if I break. Along the same token, I think too much caution, too much fear, of what lies ahead is dangerous. If I constantly fear the unknown and what has yet to come, how can I ever make the bold choices that I may need to make?

Maybe it's not an issue of confidence after all and it's just a matter of having a positive outlook on life. Thinking that I'm here for a purpose, even if I don't know what that purpose is, and the only possible way forward is for me to succeed.

And so she returns...but now what?

I insisted to myself that I would blog weekly about my experiences at the beginning of all this, but clearly I fell off the wagon for quite an extended period of time. However, I've returned for the moment full of anxieties.

The end of the semester is quickly approaching, which also means many major deadlines are quickly approaching. In general, this is a time of anxiety for me (and for many others, I'm sure) because the pressure is mounting. Time is running out and students have to prove themselves to their professors. I think this is amplified even more for graduate students because, generally, we're hyper-sensitive about grades (an A- gives plenty of reason to whine and complain).

On top of the regular coursework, I'm presenting at a conference in a few weeks and working on writing a book review (the draft is due at the end of the month). I also have to manage relationships and, for me, that seems to be the worst part. I've built one good friendship while I've been here and I'm in the process of developing others. All this is reason to celebrate, except I'm beginning to feel obligated to these people. When I really want to be left alone so that I can be productive, I don't say so. I have my study materials at the ready, even attempt to study, but lose focus more easily to chat with whoever is nearby about who knows what. Sometimes it's about the reading, but it's typically complaining about the reading instead of a productive conversation. However, I feel guilty about wanting distance. I'm afraid of it sending the wrong message or hurting someone else's feelings.

In addition to the new relationships I've built, I also feel the need to work at maintaining past relationships. I feel so distant from the people I was close to before. I don't know how to close that gap, and I'm very afraid of how the relationships will be changed after not seeing them for about a 5 month period. Some relationships that were really important when I left, that I wanted so badly to continue to build, might be totally changed because of all that has happened since I left. I'm terrified of going home to "changed" relationships, but I'm also terrified of going home to the "same" relationships and having to go through leaving yet again.

Relationship anxiety is clashing with school anxiety, and I don't know how to effectively move forward except to keep going through the motions without much of a plan at all. Do what demands my attention at each given moment. If possible, discreetly avoid facing those difficult relationships just a little while longer until I can afford to be as contemplative, sad, and scared as I feel right now.

Busy so keeping it brief

It's been a little while since I've updated, so here goes a quick and not-well-thought-out post...

I've been pretty busy. At the beginning of last week I felt like I was right on schedule with school work, so I took a few evenings off and watched movies instead of forging ahead. Cut to Thursday, I felt way behind on my work and ended up spending most of these last few days doing what I should have done sooner. I just submitted my first digital project assignment though, so that's pretty exciting and absolutely horrifying. As for the other class material, generally I'm pretty excited about what we're reading and doing in class. Of course there are always assignments, readings, discussions that are nightmares, but I'm not doubting myself and that's what is most important to me. Although, I'll be really pleased once we no longer have to read a whole book in addition to a few articles to prepare for class each week.

As a contradictory side note, I applied for a job last week and have an interview tomorrow. The job is described as an adjunct position, but I would basically be tutoring students in their writing roughly 10 hours a week. While I'm surviving, in part thanks to my loan money, the extra income would be nice. If I get the job, maybe I won't even have to take out a loan during the spring semester.

And so it (really) begins

Classes officially started last week, but my assistantship hours didn't start until today. That and the fact that one of my classes was cancelled made the "first week" not feel like the first week at all. Although, my Thursday class is cancelled this week because there's a football game, so I guess it's not a full week either.

All that aside, the semester is starting off in a hurry. I had almost 400 pages of reading assigned last week for just one class, so there has been no time wasted. As daunting as that is (and how dismal my last post may have been), I feel pretty good about it all. The students I've encountered in the writing center and in the graduate program as a whole seem really friendly overall. One student in the program with me is actually in all three of my classes and we've already spent a little bit of time talking (and complaining) about what we've experienced thus far (like the 400 pages of reading). It seems like the writing center in particular has a strong sense of community, so hopefully that will help me to get acquainted and start making friends.

As a small side note, I'm learning HTML for one of my classes (so far it's very basic and I'm not sure how much we'll get into it). Maybe I'll learn how to do something fancy with my blog!

I don't have anything else to add for today really, but maybe I'll have something more significant to say after this week is over.

Reality Sinking In

Classes start Monday and the reality of it all has become much clearer this past week. I had a sense of what I was getting into when I enrolled in the program, how life consuming this experience would be, but it really hit me this week as my schedule for this first semester has been finalized.

My graduate assistantship has a 20 hour per week time commitment. This semester that time will be spent tutoring in the university's writing center. Between that and my courses that only meet once a week, I'll be on campus for roughly 10 hours 3 days a week. I may also have to be on campus for a few hours an additional two days. While tutoring is work that I won't "take home" with me (although I am taking a course on Writing Center theory where I will be discussing and writing about my experiences tutoring), my own coursework will be intense to say the least. I'll have three sets of readings for three very different courses in addition to other class assignments and/or projects. It's difficult not to feel overwhelmed when thinking about the workload in that fashion, and adding the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and meal planning that I'll be doing on a daily/weekly basis makes it much scarier.

I think as these first few weeks go by I'll find a routine and learn to juggle my obligations, I'll have to if I have any hope of surviving the program, but it's still kind of terrifying. Will I ever have "me" time? It's not that I'm afraid of hard work (or a lot of easy work), but I am afraid of losing myself in that work. I suppose all that I can do at this point is continue to make an effort to do something (not school related) for myself on a regular basis to give myself something to hold on to. Also, finding an escape or two (like running or maybe cooking) where it's pretty much impossible for me to think about anything except for what I'm doing in that moment will likely prove useful.

As dismal as this post may seem, I want to point out that I still believe in what I'm doing. I know sleepless nights, crying, and uncertainty are in my future because of the path I'm on, but those things do not rule or define me.

Perseverance.