And so she returns...but now what?

I insisted to myself that I would blog weekly about my experiences at the beginning of all this, but clearly I fell off the wagon for quite an extended period of time. However, I've returned for the moment full of anxieties.

The end of the semester is quickly approaching, which also means many major deadlines are quickly approaching. In general, this is a time of anxiety for me (and for many others, I'm sure) because the pressure is mounting. Time is running out and students have to prove themselves to their professors. I think this is amplified even more for graduate students because, generally, we're hyper-sensitive about grades (an A- gives plenty of reason to whine and complain).

On top of the regular coursework, I'm presenting at a conference in a few weeks and working on writing a book review (the draft is due at the end of the month). I also have to manage relationships and, for me, that seems to be the worst part. I've built one good friendship while I've been here and I'm in the process of developing others. All this is reason to celebrate, except I'm beginning to feel obligated to these people. When I really want to be left alone so that I can be productive, I don't say so. I have my study materials at the ready, even attempt to study, but lose focus more easily to chat with whoever is nearby about who knows what. Sometimes it's about the reading, but it's typically complaining about the reading instead of a productive conversation. However, I feel guilty about wanting distance. I'm afraid of it sending the wrong message or hurting someone else's feelings.

In addition to the new relationships I've built, I also feel the need to work at maintaining past relationships. I feel so distant from the people I was close to before. I don't know how to close that gap, and I'm very afraid of how the relationships will be changed after not seeing them for about a 5 month period. Some relationships that were really important when I left, that I wanted so badly to continue to build, might be totally changed because of all that has happened since I left. I'm terrified of going home to "changed" relationships, but I'm also terrified of going home to the "same" relationships and having to go through leaving yet again.

Relationship anxiety is clashing with school anxiety, and I don't know how to effectively move forward except to keep going through the motions without much of a plan at all. Do what demands my attention at each given moment. If possible, discreetly avoid facing those difficult relationships just a little while longer until I can afford to be as contemplative, sad, and scared as I feel right now.